Sunday, 8 January 2012

A Timely History of Briefs

(With appropriate apologies to Prof. Stephen Hawking)

In the beginning there was a great nothingness. For a long time the idea that something could appear from nothing was inexplicable without resort to the intervention of some supernatural being. However, modern science and mathematics have shown how this can be. In particular two theories are of particular relevance to the phenomena of briefs. Wantum Theory and the Theory of Relativity will be referred to extensively throughout this history.

It is now widely accepted that the appearance of briefs can be explained by Wantum Theory. All available evidence suggests that briefs appeared on the plains of North America one particularly cold Winter when Chief Oohmegoolies said, “Wantum something to keep goolies warm.” This is the first known application of Wantum Theory but there is some debate over whether Chief Oohmegoolies actually existed or was just a theoretical construct.

Relativity Theory has been used to explain both the general existence of briefs (General Relativity) and their appearance at different times in different locations (Special Relativity). Special Relativity says briefs appeared in some places faster than others due to relative disparities in temperature and is therefore an aspect of Wantum Theory. General relativity came into play when Mrs. Neanderthal, wielding a rather large club, announced to her husband, “and you’d better get those goolies covered because my Mum and dad are coming round tonight and I don’t want any of my relatives having to look at that over hors d’ouvres."

So, this brings us to a number of laws and formulations as basic premises. The first Law of Wantum Theory states that briefs will spring into existence based on probability. The higher the probability of a cold snap or observance the greater the probability of the appearance of briefs.
This can be postulated as more c = more b where c equals the degree of coldness and b equals the probability of the appearance of briefs.

In addition more m = more b where m equals the probability that goolies may be observed. This is a well known peculiarity of Wantum Theory whereby the act of observation actually affects the outcome. The above two postulates have been combined in the well known formula of Relativity Theory - E = MC2 - where E equals Extra large briefs an is the result of a combination of a high probability of cold weather combined with high probability of obervance.

As with all natural laws the possibility of opposite reactions has been identified. In particular the possibility of observance has been noted in some instances to promote the disappearance of briefs. Such occurrences are rare and short lived appearing as streaks.

From the first appearance of briefs on the North American plains things changed rapidly. From this singularity an explosion of briefs spread throughout the continent in what has been referred to as the Big Bang. As briefs spread from their origin they began to take on a variety of forms – jockeys, Y-fronts, knickers, and boxers to name just a few of the better known.

The size of briefs also seems to change in direct relation to age and appears to be an effect of gravity. The phenomenon is particularly marked in the area of the knicker form. Here a number of stages can be identified. First is what has been referred to as the panty stage where everything is fairly tightly contained. During hot weather this may be transformed into the G-string or thong stage reflecting yet again the influence of relativity theory. In the final stage, where gravity has played its full part, has been described as the Granny’s bloomers or Cotton Cons stage and is marked by an extensive expansion of the briefs to a magnitude of two or three times the original size.

This is the Third law - more a = more bcb where bcb equals big cotton bloomers and a equals age.

The phenomena of male briefs also follows a number of physical laws which can be identified using relativity theory. Again temperature and observance play a key role. Generally, speaking, there is an inverse relationship between the degree of coldness and the looseness of the briefs. It is a well known scientific fact that increases in temperature cause expansion and this principle applies here. This expansion allows for a free flow of air around the goolies thereby providing a compensating cooling effect to the higher temperature. This is the fourth law which states less c = more bs where bs equals boxer shorts.

Special relativity comes into play in relation to male briefs. A low possibility of observance is likely to result in the appearance of the first pair the wearer can lay their hands on in the morning even where these are the ones from the previous night. However, where there is a high chance of observance resulting from the gravitational phenomena known as “pulling” the latest fashion of brief is likely to appear even where this contravenes the fourth law. In addition the appearance of the brief is likely to occur as close to the anticipated observance as possible in order to minimise the risk of a feature identified in some briefs that has been labelled in the literature “skidmarking”.

This is the fifth law which states more secs = more fun, where secs equals the chance of the briefs being seen even during a cold snap and fun = fashionable briefs used near to observance.

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